Woke up, fell outta bed, dragged a comb across my head…

It’s been a really, really, really long time since I have written anything.  I guess I got pretty busy with things.  Life tends to get in the way.  In the past year, a lot of things changed. I changed residences. I changed marital status. I changed jobs.  I focused on changing myself.  My motto should have been “Change I Can Believe In”.  Over the course of the year I have kept pretty well with the anger management.  I’ve let a lot of things go.  I remember there were times when I would get drunk and the anger would be at the forefront.  Now I find, I have nothing to be mad about.  Anything I was ever angry at wasn’t necessarily my fault, but it was my inability to let it go.  I hurt people I cared about, I said a lot of things I probably shouldn’t have said, and more importantly acted in ways I should never have acted.  For what? To prove a point? To blow off some steam?  

For those of you that don’t remember, I gave up boozing for awhile last year as well.  I gave it up for about a month or so and cleared my head pretty good.  I was able to put things in perspective and begin to work on myself.  To work on the things that needed to be addressed. The anger, the patience, all of that stuff that I talked about when I was on a daily blogging frenzy.  Enter the summer of 2013, a new relationship had blossomed in my life, which the weird part was it was a romantic one.  After the ex-wife had decided to call it a day, I was kind of in free fall mode, but not in a bad way.  I was in a bad way when I was trying to reconcile and it wasn’t working out.  I had found solace in an old friend.  She grew up 2 doors down from me when we were in elementary school, and we lived in the same neighborhood for most of our youth.  We had lost contact with one another for quite sometime, until Facebook, and every year we’d send one another birthday greetings or what have you.  

It was when I really needed the advice of a female friend that I really sought her out on Facebook, and we started talking every single day.  Then we hung out for the first time in more than a decade and picked up right where we left off. There’s not too many people you have in your life that you can actually do that with.  We had been hanging out for a little while and if you know me, you know I joke around a lot. If you read this blog, you have no idea I have a sense of humor due to the mostly serious nature of my posts.  I had told her that she’d better watch out, because she was going to end up falling in love with me.  Low and behold, we have been seeing one another since June of 2013 and things are going quite well. My daughter has taken to her, and vice versa. She has 2 boys that I enjoy spending time with as well.  We’ve hit a snag here and there with work schedules and all of that grown up adult stuff that happens when you’re in your 30’s, but beyond that, when I was completely hopeless and though I could never care for another human being again in a romantic capacity, there she was.  The funny thing is, when were kids I had the biggest crush on her imaginable.  She asked me why I never said anything back then. My response was simply, it wouldn’t have mattered and this wouldn’t be happening now if I did.  

Granted my last relationship was 10 years, we’ve only just hit the 8 month mark, but it’s been quite good.  I have no complaints, well none I’d share with you on here, even though I’ve been quite the open book.  I’m just glad that after a rough start to 2013, it ended up being a pretty good year.  Socially, it was great, and with playing gigs, it was amazing.  I can’t wait to see what 2014 has in store.

All my life, I never knew what I could be, what I could do, then we were new…

It has been quite sometime since I have tapped into this here blog.  A lot has happened since the last time I posted.  The problems I was having at home, had come to a head and ultimately my wife and I are getting divorced.  While it’s sad because 10 years is a long time to be with a person and reflect upon the good, the bad, and the ugly, and we did care deeply for one another at one point in time, things just couldn’t be reconciled. Irreconcilable Differences is what they call that.  In the 10 years that she and I were together, not married all of them, but a couple for that amount of time, she taught me a lot about myself.  Whether or not she is or was aware of this, she did make me a better person in some respects.  She gave me a beautiful daughter who is my heart and soul, and she gave me a lot of things I needed to reflect on and fix about myself.

While I couldn’t make her happy and failed miserably as a husband, she gave me the tools I needed to become a better man. Granted she won’t get to reap the rewards of this “new” me in a relationship setting, I think it will make the transition into not being married to one another easier when it comes to dealing with our child.  I know a lot of people that I grew up with who either didn’t know their father or their parents fought tooth and nail and used the child against one another because of their anger and hurt.  We both realize that it’s not about “us” anymore because there is no “us”.  It’s all about our child.  What can we do, even though we’re not living under the same roof, to continue to be the awesome parents that she knows?  We put our differences aside and make good out of a not so good situation.

In my younger years, I wouldn’t be able to deal with a situation that’s as severe or sad as divorce.  In the 9 months that it’s been since we have shared a residence together I have been able to do a lot of soul searching, and in the beginning of that terrible time I was blogging constantly and dealing with different demons such as alcohol abuse, patience, anger management and many other things.  I made a solemn vow to myself that I would never take another person for granted ever in my life because one day it could be there, and the next day it could be gone.  I’ve been staying true to that vow and being very appreciative of everything and everyone around me.

Sometimes it takes something to shake you to your core to make you shed your “shield” or break down your “wall” that you put up over time to protect yourself.  When you’re naked and vulnerable to things, you tend to feel things you don’t want to.  It really is therapeutic in a sense because you’re a bare, stripped down version of yourself.  You have to rebuild yourself and basically give yourself a make over and re-emerge as a “new” version of yourself.  It’s not necessarily new though, its the person you’ve always been, but you’ve buried them with everything life throws at you.  I’ve made amends with people I never thought I would have, and been sincere about it.  

I told people I want zero enemies. I want to be friends with everyone. I won’t judge a book by its cover anymore.  If someone is need, I’m more willing to help than I have ever been in my entire life.  I want to just be.  I want people to be happy.  I want to be happy. I want to make people happy.  I used to have an “I don’t care” attitude about a lot of things, now I find myself caring about more than I ever have.  So while divorce isn’t a good thing, you can always find the silver lining in anything.  We are both going to be better people in the long run for this.  While it may not exactly seem that way at first because of the initial shock, awe, and hurt, it gets better with time.  Yeah it’s been 9 months, but after the first 3 I was already starting to build a better me and at first it was to try to get things back on track, but the damage had been done.  

In the past I would have just stopped trying to work on things.  I needed to do this and see it through.  In a bad situation, I’ve been able to find happiness and have been able to reflect on our time together.  If I could have done things differently I probably would have, but since you can’t you just have to move forward and try not to make the same mistakes you made before.  Actually chalk it up to a learning experience, and try to be the best you that you can be.  I have to make sure that any relationship I am in whether it’s with a friend, or romantic that these people will be appreciated, and that I am grateful they are in my life.  Everyone is in your life for a reason. They serve a purpose whether we know it or not.  Don’t squander it.  

Here we go again, I kinda wanna be more than friends, so take it easy on me…

Do you believe in fate?  I never really was a strong believer in such a thing. Everyone has that mantra “everything happens for a reason”.  I guess it depends on who you talk to.  Religious folk say “It’s all apart of God’s plan”, people who are one with the universe claim “If it’s meant to be, it will be.”

I’m starting to buy in a little bit.  Things happen because we put ourselves in the postion to make them happen.  Good or bad.  If it’s bad and you’re not a complete idiot, you’re going to learn from your mistakes.  That’s the funny thing about life, we don’t get “do-overs” per se, but in a sense we kind of do.  If you make a mistake, and know how to not make that mistake again and are presented with a similar situation, it’s essentially a do-over. 

Obviously it’s not going to be the exact same type of situation, but life has a way of repeating things.  So you do get a second opportunity in a lot of cases, and it’s up to you to make the most of that.  Get after it.  Missed opportunities are never a good thing. The so called window of opportunity stays open as we know for only a short time,but much like anything else, it presents itself again. Maybe not the same exact opportunity, maybe it’s a better opportunity.  It’s all about taking risks.

Basically what things boil down to is we put ourselves in situations to where “everything happens for a reason”. The “reason” may not be apparent from the get go, but it eventually shows itself to you in one way or another.  I did touch on this a couple of blog posts ago.  

Life is a funny,beautiful,tragic,sad,completely awesome mystery that unfolds by the day.  It’s up to us to figure out why things happen.  Well Jimmy got an F on his test because he didn’t study hard enough, not because he was stupid.  Roger got hit by the car crossing the street, because he didn’t look both ways.  Not everything that happens is that cut and dry.  

Rarely do you ever meet someone that makes an immediate impact in your life.  Those are just chance type meetings. Once in a blue moon.  If you find that person that makes an immediate impact in your life, latch on. They’re there for a purpose.  I’ve been fortunate enough in my life to have some very good friends that have had this effect on me.  For what ever reason, each reason different than the other, each individual I would call a close friend has done something to make an immediate impact in my life in some way, shape, for or fashion.  Whether they know it or not. 

You hear the phrase “love at first sight” all of the time.  With two of my best friends, I met them on different days, in different years, but something happened to where everything in the universe was copacetic and boom, we’ve never looked back.  I can honestly say that I have never had a serious argument with either one of these gentlemen.  We argue our views on sports all of the time, that doesn’t count.  That shit doesn’t break friendships up, unless your 11.  

I have a brother, but these two gents are MY BROTHERS, I would do anything for them.  They have never let me down, they have never disappointed me.  We have one another’s back through thick and thin, no matter the circumstance.  The difference between friends and family is you can pick your friends, and us 3 together, it’s an unstoppable force of nature.  All brought together into one another’s lives at completely different times for completely different reasons.  

It’s quite amazing when you look at things and break it down a little bit.  I’m a way better person for knowing them, and I believe for us knowing one another we’re better people.  Take for instance a very dear friend of mine whom I’ve mentioned in the blog before, but not by name, and still that holds true today, but we have known one another since the 1980’s.  Elementary school. There was a stretch of 10 years where we didn’t talk to each other due to life basically superseding everything.  Flash forward to early 2013, started chatting it up on Facebook and now I make a point to talk to this person every single day.  We picked up as if nothing had changed in 10 years.  It was quite amazing.  I value that.  

Before 2013, I took everything for granted.  EVERYTHING.  I didn’t think about anything, I just did.  I was just doing stuff, not thinking about anything.  Being selfish.  Being who I thought was “me”.  Harboring a lot of anger.  For whatever reason or purpose the life changes that I have experienced in the past 6 months have made me a different person as far as my outlook on things is concerned.

Thinking about things I should have thought about years ago, but due to being stubborn or selfish didn’t.  Now, I think about things in purpose.  What purpose does this serve me?  What purpose does this person have in my life?  These are questions I ask myself on a daily basis now.  So coupled with working on being less selfish, more patient and just finding the good in everything regardless of how terrible others may think the situation is.  I’ve become an eternal optimist.  I know that’s going to bite me on the ass someday, but I tell you what, I have never had a more clear outlook on things.  

You get up everyday and that’s a gift in and of itself.  If something is bothering you, blog about it. Yeah you’re putting it out there, but as I have found in my 10 months of blogging, people appreciate honesty.  Strangers appreciate it, your friends appreciate it.  If I read every blog I posted which is close to 80 posts, I can see where my priorities and outlook on things have shifted for the better.  

I’m never going to be a perfect person, I’m never going to strive for perfection.  I can only be me, and I’m going to continue to be the best me I can be, and eventually that me will become better, and better, and better.  I’m 32 years old and I STILL have no idea why my purpose is in life.  I can wear many hats.  I can be a great listener, I can give good advice, I can make people smile, I can entertain people by means of music, I can cook a meal, I have figured out I can be selfless, I can open up my feelings to the internet and have people read and comment and like what I write about and not feel ashamed about what I’m saying or feeling.  

If I can figure out how to channel all of these things into one purpose, I would be set.  But I don’t think that’s part of the plan.  I think I’ve been given these “talents” or “attributes” to use at any given time when it’s required.  Things for me really started falling into place when I let the anger go.  That’s when I was able to start focusing on other things in my life.  Honestly the last 6 months of my life have sucked for the most part, but I’m moving past that.  There’s no sense to be angry about it.  I look at the last 6 months as a huge test.  Can you be patient? How patient can you be? What about your anger? Can you let it go? Can you figure out how to channel your anger into something positive?  

I have had a lot of time on my hands to be able to figure things out and I’m really, really excited for what the future may hold.  What does “fate” have in store for me?  I guess we’ll just have to attack every single day like it’s your last one on earth and just live life.  Enjoy it.   Sit back and take a load off once in awhile.  It’ll be good for you.  Surround yourself with positive people, and it reciprocates itself.  Believe me. 

 

It was written that I would love you, from the moment I opened my eyes, and the morning when I first saw you, gave me life under calico skies…

Memorial Day, the unofficial start to summer.  A day that’s designated to remember the fallen vets who sacrificed everything to give us what we have, which is our freedom.  They fought the good fight, and we are able to have barbeques with our loved ones and celebrate our lives the way we want to because they gave so much.  

I personally cannot believe that it is already Memorial Day.  This year is ridiculous as far as how fast it speeding by.  It seems like yesterday it was January 1st.  A clean slate, a new year.  Now we’re almost half way through it.  

My good friend Ben, has recently come out of his hiatus to blog today.  He talked about priorities and how you’re never too busy, it’s just how you prioritize things. I thought that was pretty profound.  We do use that as an excuse.  Well I’d love to come out and do that, but I’m just too busy.  I’ve said it, you’ve said it, we’ve all said it.  

A friend of mine, who is no longer with us, saw me in passing and it had been awhile since we had hung out, our lives had gone different directions and there wasn’t a lot of time for social gatherings, being a parent and a husband, that’s where your priorities lie for the most part.  You don’t want to burden anyone with “Hey, you wouldn’t mind watching the kid while we go out”  Especially early on in the child’s life.  Anyhow, I saw this friend one night and it had been awhile since we hung out, and I was on my way into the bar and he was on his way out and we chatted for a minute and he said, “it’s been too long man, we need to kick it like soccer players”.  Well a couple of months passed by and I never did get the chance to hang out with him.  He had died.  So I always feel now that if I have a chance to do something, I need to take that opportunity and do it.  

When I first started this blog it was all about making certain changes within a month’s time.  Now it has become something of my own battle cry.  Attack the day.  You get one shot at life and you need to make the most of it.  We don’t get a do over.  So if a friend you haven’t seen in a long time mentions hanging out, do it!  Don’t let the moments slip away.  As fast as time goes these days, don’t let it pass you by.  Take risks, but calculated ones.  Attack each and every day with all you have.  

Today’s lyric is from Paul McCartney, it’s called “Calico Skies” and it was featured on his 2001 album “Driving Rain”.  I love this song a lot.  I often sing it to my daughter and when I play a gig, I usually dedicate it to her.  It’s one of her favorite songs, probably just because daddy has been singing it to her since she was an infant.  So everytime I hear it, or play it, it holds a special meaning to me, and it will forever be “our” song.  Until another time…

Mine is the loneliest of numbers, now is the loneliest of times…

Blazing through May like it’s nobody’s business.  8 days left in the month.  Big holiday weekend upon us, how do you plan on spending it?  Cook outs?  Camping?  Going to see the new Fast and Furious movie?  I could think of 1,000 different things I’d rather do than see that hunk of junk!!!  At any rate, there’s been a lot happening in the ole life of the Panos here.  

I don’t really want to disclose a whole lot of information as of yet, some people are aware of things that are going on.  Others not so much.  I’ve dedicated this year into improving myself as a person, and I believe I have done that so far. There were certain flaws in my life that I had known existed but failed to work on them because well, I’m a pretty stubborn guy.

Push came to shove and I was forced to look at myself in the mirror and reflect outwardly what I was feeling inwardly.  Many people who know me, know that I have had bouts of anger at times and could fly off the handle at any moment because well I never vented how I felt to people.  I just stuffed it down inside, everything was fine.  The scariest thing I think to a person, is admitting to yourself that you’re not as normal as you think you are.  I’ve taken a lot of time because I have had quite a bit of time to reflect and re-evaluate things and how I want to treat people and in turn how I want to be treated.

Now I understand that this may not pan out in all situations, that regardless of how nice or selfless I am being, that just may not take to some people.  It is what it is, you brush it off and move forward.  That’s another thing I’ve learned in the past 5 months is, if things are beyond your control, you just have to take it for what it is worth and move on.  Not every situation is going to play out to be the best scenario and actually the best worst case scenario may come out of it.  Everything is a lesson or happens for a reason.  You meet people you normally wouldn’t meet for a particular reason.  Whether you know what the reason is at the time of your meeting or if you figure it out later down the line, there’s a purpose for your encounter.

In recent months I have had the opportunity to re-connect in certain ways with people from my past, and that has been a really warming feeling. I know I have mentioned that in previous posts, but there is a reason I sought these people out.  Whether it’s to have small conversations and reminisce on the good times of the past, or whether at that particular time of our re-connect we may or may not have needed one another in someway.  Like I said, there’s a reason for everything.  

Also in these recent months I have met complete strangers from either playing gigs or just happenstance that I have either clicked with or maybe clicked with at first and that subsided, and may be all for naught, but it is what it is.  There’s a gentleman who comes to a lot of the gigs I play at Frankie’s Place in Union Pier, and his name is Nick.  He’s probably 50 years old or so, but I think he’s a 50 year old version of myself in some ways.  He doesn’t smoke, but I do and he drinks wine, while I prefer beer.  Anyhow minus those two facts, we have so much in common it’s kind of strange, but nonetheless he is hands down one of my favorite people I have met this year by a long shot. I’ve met some other really cool people in Union Pier as well.  Some of them are FIPS, which if you’re not familiar with the lingo, look it up, and I always had a bad impression of FIPS when I was younger, but getting to know them, they’re not such bad people.  Bad drivers, ABSOLUTELY! Bad people, not so much.

I’ve been going out of my way to meet new people which is typically uncommon of me.  I think for a long while now I’ve needed to broaden my horizons and get to know as many people as humanly possible.  Whether we like it or not, we can always learn something from people.  So since the start of the year I have worked quite a bit on being patient, and I have become quite patient with things.  I used to be so impatient when it came to things, now I’m like it’ll happen when it happens.  I’ve worked on being more self-less because I became quite the selfish person, and for that I’m really not proud at all.  I have made a point to try to meet more people and be more accepting of people, regardless of how others may feel about them or how they may even feel about me.  I understand that not everyone is going to like me, but that doesn’t mean I can’t like everyone, and that took a lot of thinking and soul searching to figure out.  I have made progress in areas of my life that I believe will benefit me in the future while cultivating relationships with people.  

Along the way sometimes you get so consumed with your own life you forget there are other people who need you or count on you for things, and I’m talking outside of the family network.  Friends or acquaintances may need to rely on you for something, and you need to take a step back and if they need a hand, give them a hand.  Don’t expect anything in return, just do it.  

We need to as a people get over ourselves and help each other when we need it.  Life’s a marathon, and we don’t go it alone.  Some people think they’re better off doing so, but I think that’s false.  So just remember every single person you encounter and have a conversation with, that was meant to happen, and take it for what it’s worth.  If a guy comes up to you and says “Smoke break, eh? Yeah, I quit aboot 14 years ago”  take it from that guy, he was trying to tell you something…and yes he was from Canada.  Toronto to be exact and he said cigarettes cost about 15 bucks a pack up there…his wife is still a smoker.  

So with that said, don’t miss any opportunity you get to have a conversation with someone. Take each day and attack the crap out of it.  Be yourself, and if people accept it they will embrace it, if not you’re just not their cup of tea.  It doesn’t make you a bad person, it just makes you, well you!  Attack the Day!!!

 

Today’s lyric comes from a Weezer B-Side from the 1996 Pinkerton album. The song is called “Waiting On You”.  I decided to use this lyric as the title because I’ve been feeling alone lately, not necessarily in a bad way, but not in the most positive way either.  I’m figuring out how to get past it, and starting to realize it’s ok to ask people for help or advice on things.  Until another time….

Hey mama, I’m something, Check it out, see what it’s all about, cuz this is Soap Disco, so charming. See the floor from the cleaner point of view…

I haven’t blogged in awhile.  I stopped because someone I was talking to said, “I don’t want to hear about your exercise, I want you to write about what’s real.”  Up to that point, that was where my focus was, that’s what I was writing about.  I get responses or comments from people a lot about this here blog.  Either they show up on the post itself, or I get them in my Facebook inbox.  I actually get quite a few from Facebook.  

I’m glad that people read this.  I’m glad that even though I haven’t written in a few weeks, after checking my stats that people are still stopping by to check things out.  Since I’ve been on a “sabbatical” so to speak, I have had 9 more followers.  Pretty crazy considering I haven’t been active.

Here’s what I have been doing since the last time I wrote on this here blog, I haven’t ran, but I did start playing basketball again because the weather is finally nice enough to do so outdoors.  The sun is staying out a bit longer, it hasn’t been insanely hot, so it makes for some good b-ball weather.  I’ve been playing gigs, which is something I love to do, I’ve played maybe 3 gigs since my last appearance on this blog.  Each one getting better every time.  

I’m not sure if its because of feeding off of the crowd as to why they’re getting better, or if just playing in front of people more is helping me get better.  I started talking to other venues about playing more often.  Still working on some final details with that.  I have totally changed my approach in dealing with people.  I still lack confidence when it comes to striking up conversation on my own, but if people approach me, I’m able to talk to them.  I don’t know why that is.

That’s something I’ll never be able to wrap my head around until I completely fix it.  I have discovered over the course of the last month that I am well liked by many people, and with all of the things I’ve been enduring since the end of 2012 and beginning of 2013, it makes me feel really good.  I’ve made myself available to help people more and that’s paying dividends in and of itself.  Normally, if a friend would ask for help, I’d think about, and not really do anything.  

Recently whenever I can lend a hand with a friend, or anyone I try my best to do so.  It comes back to you in the end.  No matter how big the task, or how small the deed, it gets recognized and appreciated.  At work if I see someone walk in with a luggage cart full of things and they’re not walking very well, I stick my sign up on the desk, help them to their room and make sure they get situated before I head back to the desk.  I never did things like that before.   

A friend of mine started putting up a fence around his property needed some help.  The first day, I was unavailable due to work, but I hadn’t seen him in awhile, and I felt like it would be fine time to bond and do some “man shit” as we were calling it.  I was off on Wednesday and spent 10 hours over at his house setting posts, shooting the breeze, and getting sun burned.  It was a great time.  I offered my services to him the next time he had a weekend off.  So I’m hoping there’s still more fence building to do May 17-19, because I’m game!

I’ve become less selfish of a person, which was one of my biggest hang ups.  I like the me I’m starting to become, granted I’m sure this me was there a long time ago and go buried under life and things and trying to “play” roles instead of stepping into them being the person I should have been from jump street.  Life is trial and error though, and once you get passed all of the error, things will begin looking up for you.  

If you’re not motivated, say because you’ve been working your butt off non-stop at work or being a parent driving your kid to and from daycare or school or ball practice, and keeping a clean house, and things like that, it’s okay to take a day off once in awhile and be selfish. You’ve rewarded yourself that by being selfless.

If you’re the most responsible person ever in the world, it’s okay to shake out the sillies once in a while, the responsibility is still gonna be there, but it’s okay to sit back and take a break.  As long as you attack every single day with all you have, no matter what you’re doing, if you’re relaxing, attack that relaxation, make it your “bitch”.  Get after every day and live, live, live.  Be a person, but be a good person. 

When you leave this planet, people aren’t going to remember your reputation, they’re going to remember your character.  What kind of person was he?  Was he a good person?  Did he try his best?  Did he leave behind many friends?  Not was he a druggie?  Was he a thief?  The things you do do NOT define you, but your character will.  So if you have a dream chase it, if you want to be a better parent, do it. If you want to help people, help people.  There is plenty to do, and every little bit counts, and it matters.  Get after it.  If you get knocked down, get back up, and hit it harder.  Don’t take no for an answer.  Attack The Day!

Today’s lyric is from a band I used to listen to in 1997 called Kara’s Flowers.  They put out one album called “The Fourth World”.  “Soap Disco” was the only single released off of the album, and it happens to be the first song on the album.  The reason I chose this song was to give you a little bit of a back story about Kara’s Flowers.  I’m convinced I’m the only person I know who has ever listened to Kara’s Flowers.  I dug “Soap Disco” so much, I bought the album from Sam Goody back in 1997, but had to place a special order for it because it wasn’t sold in their store.  At any rate, little did I know until about 5 years later, Kara’s Flowers was to become Maroon 5.  I was watching VH1 at the time and “Harder to Breathe” was starting to pick up some steam, and Maroon 5 was the “You Oughta Know” artist.  There was no mention of Kara’s Flowers, but they showed Adam Levine, and I’m like, no way, because I recognized the name from the liner notes of “The Fourth World”.  So I did some research on the internet because I was like this cannot be the same Adam Levine from Kara’s Flowers…well it was.  They got dropped from their label, so basically knocked down, and got back up and since 2002 have NEVER looked back.  Attack The Day!!!!  As the late, great Paul Harvey would say…And now you know……The rest of the story

Watching terrible tv, it kills all thought. Getting spacier than an astronaut…

Well here we are the 2nd to last weekend in April.  Wow!!!  The month has flown by. I swear I say that every single day!!!!   Anyhow, Operation:200 is in full swing.  I did day 2 of Couch to 5K and people told me I would be more sore after day 2 than day 1.  I would like to reveal, that I am not sore at all!!! That’s progress right there.

According to My Fitness Pal, I’m not taking in enough calories, still.  Well I’m not sitting around and eating all damn day either!  I eat when I feel hungry, which isn’t very often, plus with the weird work schedule that I have it doesn’t really give me time to sit around and eat all day either.  I am going to do day 3 when I get off of work today.

The one thing I don’t like is that it’s 3 times a week, and I feel like I should work out at least 5. So I will have to find something to fill the void exercise wise during the off days from Couch to 5k.  Probably weights of some sort for toning, not so much strength.  I was going to weigh in every week, but I’m not the most patient guy on the planet.  I decided to weigh in after I had woken up from my pre-work slumber, which most of you normal folk would call actual “bed time”.

When I did my preliminary weigh-in on Monday I weighed in at 218 pounds, which is up five from the preliminary no exercise version of Operation:200.  So when I stepped on the scale at 8:15pm on the 18th, I weighed in at 215 pounds even.  So two days of running and 4 days of eating healthier equated into a 3 pound loss for this guy.  That’s pretty neat, at least I think so.  So there’s progress.

I don’t really have much else to talk about, ever since I started taking Operation:200 seriously, I’ve been in a pretty good mood.  I feel like I have more energy and I couldn’t wait to get out there and run yesterday, which is weird because I hate to run.  I am looking forward to today even though it’s only gonna be in the 40’s and rainy unlike yesterday’s 70 degree run.  I’ll deal with it though.

Today’s lyric comes from Nada Surf. The song is called “Inside of Love” from their 2003 album “Let Go”.  Again much like yesterday this lyric doesn’t hit home or anything like that.  It’s just a tune I’m fond of.  Unlike most of you out there, Nada Surf has made more songs than “Popular”.  Believe me, it’s true. I have every single album.  They’re great, give ’em a fair shake.  Until another time!!!!

 

It’s time to begin, isn’t it? I get a little bit bigger, but then I’ll admit I’m just the same as I was…

Over halfway through April. The weather is starting to break. Moods are becoming more and more pleasant in everyone, regardless of the rain we’ve been having people are saying “it could be worse, it could be snow”.  I agree wholly with that.  I started doing the ever so popular Couch to 5K workout on Monday.  I tell you what the way it’s set up is crazy.  If you’re not familiar, let me give you a run down.

You start out with a 5 minute warm up walk, from then you run for 1 minute, then walk briskly for 1 and a half minutes.  You do the 1 minute run, and 1 and a half minute brisk walk 8 times.  Then you do a 5 minute cool down walk.  It averages out to be about a half an hour.  Not terribly wrong.  The experts say you need at least 90 minutes of exercise and a healthy diet to avoid obesity and other health problems.  

I’m all good with that.  When I committed myself to doing the Couch to 5K workout, I weighed myself in order to keep track of how much weight I lose and things of that nature.  I weighed in right before I started my run at 218.  My goal, as you may well know is 200 pounds.  This is quite achievable.  On my off days I have decided I will do some other sort of exercise and I will work out 5 days a week.  

Now I kind of dropped the ball today because I have been experiencing some head cold-like symptoms and decided to get some much needed rest.  I have been burning the candle at both ends lately and it’s finally catching up to me.  So I did not run on Wednesday like I was planning, nor did I play basketball like I was planning.  I instead slept.  All day. Like seriously all day.  I woke up at 9:30pm.  I had to be to work at 11pm.  

I will on Thursday when I get home from work change clothes and do day 2 of Couch to 5K. I will say I didn’t think my legs would be as sore as the were after the run on Monday.  Since it was a combination of running and walking, but man alive, were they burning something fierce!!!  

I have also been implementing My Fitness Pal into my everyday life logging everything I eat to see how many calories I eat a day.  Based on my height and weight, they say I should consume 1670 calories a day.  I don’t eat enough to do that.  So with exercise and the amount of food I do consume, which isn’t really a whole lot, I should be able to lose weight at a decent pace.  I’m hoping to be 200 pounds by the middle of June, but since I don’t eat very much, My Fitness Pal suggested I will be 188 pounds by May 22nd.  I don’t think I believe that, nor do I want to.  My pants already fall off of me, and when I get down to the 200 pound mark, I’m going to have to buy new pants anyhow.  

My ultimate goal is 190 though.  That is the point in my life I was most healthy and that was 1997-1998.  The thing I do like about exercising is not only is it good for you, which 10 years ago, I didn’t give a rip if it was good for me or not.  Health was not a concern. When you’re 22 you believe you’re immortal.  By the time you hit 30 you slowly start to realize that you can’t do the things you used to do and not pay for it in some way physically.  Another aspect of exercise that I like is that you feel better about yourself.  You start to build confidence in yourself because you are achieving a goal, and people start to notice your outward appearance changing.  You get compliments from people and that makes you feel good.  So it is good for you physically, and mentally to exercise.  

Now I’m not going to become addicted to exercise by any means, but I am going to make a conscious effort to stick with it this time instead of just 4 months like I did last year.  As of Monday I was 18 pounds from my goal of 200, and 28 pounds from the ultimate goal of 190.  I will stop at nothing to achieve these goals.  Don’t let anything stop you.  Like I have been saying everyday in this blog for recent weeks, Attack the Day!  Own every single day and you won’t be disappointed.  If you’re doing all you can to put it out there, it’s gonna pan out for you eventually.  Just keep striving toward what you want to accomplish.  Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t.  And if people do keep telling you that you can’t do it, use that as fuel. Prove them wrong.  At the end of the road, that is almost as rewarding as accomplishing your goal.  

Today’s lyric comes from the band Imagine Dragons.  It’s from their song called “It’s Time” off of their 2012 album Night Visions.  It doesn’t really have any connection to the blog as far as content, it’s just a song that has been in my head the past couple of days.  So if you haven’t heard it, then you haven’t been near a radio since like August of last year, because this song is on the radio quite a bit.  Anyhow, until another time….

Runnin’ on, running on empty, runnin’ on, running blind. Running into the sun but I’m running behind…

So I haven’t been really keeping up with Operation:200.  It’s actually become a miserable failure.  That will all change tomorrow morning when I begin the Couch to 5K program.  I’m not a runner by any stretch of the imagination, but I know it is a very effective way to get into shape.  

I ate a rather healthy dinner tonight, I had a pork chop, steamed broccoli, and some brown rice.  I plan on making the healthy eating a regular habit, especially while I will be exercising.  It proves to work, I lost a bunch of weight last year by eating healthy and doing about 5 hours of exercise a week.  I’ve done it once, I know I can do it again.  

My plan is to stick to nothing but whole grains, avoid fried foods, sugary foods such as cookies, candy, all of that “good” stuff that is so terrible for you.  Indulge in some fresh vegetables, poultry, and drink nothing but water, and maybe the occasional diet soda/zero calorie soda.  Couple that with 3 days of exercise a week and boom…a one way ticket to weight loss. 

Like I said I know it can be done, I have done it before, without even really trying.  I once did the Atkins diet back in 2003 and dropped 40 pounds in 4 weeks.  Yeah that was some rapid weight loss right there.  Probably not healthy as far as how quickly the pounds were shed, but going from 260 to 220 in a month was pretty crazy.  Obviously I didn’t stick to that.  9 years later I started doing things the right way and went from 280 pounds down to 204 pounds by just watching my diet and constant exercise.  I didn’t stick with either of those things, and gained 14 pounds over the course of the winter months, that’s quite a bit.  I’ll say I started gaining weight in November, so for a solid 7 months I lost 76 pounds, that’s a little over 10 pounds per month just by changing small things.  It wasn’t drastic, it was just smart choices.

So tomorrow I will embark on Operation:200 full on, and I will hopefully achieve my goal by the middle of June.  If it’s sooner, great.  If not, I’ll keep plugging away.  I am very determined to do this and who knows at the end of the 9 weeks of Couch to 5K, maybe I’ll actually want to run a 5K?  

I will also be using My Fitness Pal to help me count calories.  Calories in…Calories out…that’s the name of the game!!!!   

Today’s lyric, in case you don’t recognize it is from “Running On Empty” by Jackson Browne from the album “Running On Empty” released in 1977.  You may remember it from when Forrest Gump was running from coast to coast…until another time!

Mr. Hole Fixin’ Man, you fixed my friend, can you fix me? Hey Mr. Hole Fixin’ Man, I’m as broken as a boy can be, so how ’bout fixin’ me…

Cruising right along in the month of April.  1/3 of the way into the month already.  The weather is starting to break. People’s moods are becoming better.  Things are actually looking up from the dreary weather of winter that has now since passed us by.  We’re seeing regular temperatures in the 50’s, it was even 73* yesterday!!!  

I have been putting a lot of résumés out there and looking for better opportunities.  There’s always something better.  Sometimes people actually wait for something better, but when you wait for it, it passes you by.  You can’t be complacent.  You have to get up everyday regardless of how you feel inside and shake it all out.  Put yourself out there.  Achieve what you want to achieve.  

I was recently throwing around an idea of trying to book 5 shows a week, and just make music my primary job.  The money is there.  It’s guaranteed.  I was talking to a friend of mine whom I have recently come back into contact after 12 years of not really talking to.  There wasn’t any bad blood or anything, it’s just people go opposite directions in their lives sometimes.  What I was told from this person is “You’re Ryan Panos, and you can do anything you want to do”.   Now to me this makes zero sense at all.  

I cannot fathom what it is people see in me that makes them believe that I am capable of things.  I was talking to a friend a couple of weeks ago and he told me I was his hero.  I said to him, you don’t want to be like me.  I asked him what is it that people see in me that I can’t see in myself.  His response was simple, “you’re you.  that’s what draws people to you. You don’t try to fake your way through anything, you’re a this is me, take it or leave it kind of a guy”.   I suppose that’s true, but I still fail to see the potential that everyone else claims I have.

I’ve been told my whole life that I have so much potential, and if I tapped into that I could do great things.  What are great things?  I know I have no confidence in myself.  That’s evident.  I get shy in conversations at times, and clam up.  When I first met my wife and we were dating, I couldn’t even talk to her.  I was so nervous and wasn’t really a take charge kind of a guy.  I have always been that way when it comes to women though.  They can be quite intimidating.  

So here’s a kicker for ya, I’m talking with the friend whom I’ve recently come back into contact with and they say “you claim to be socially awkward, but yet you can get up in front of a crowd of people and play guitar and sing songs to them…and they’re complete strangers.”   I didn’t really have a response.  Music is an escape for me.  When I play a gig, it’s 4 hours a night of not having to worry about anything that’s on my mind.  It’s a chance to not have to be me.  

That sounds bad, but it’s not. It’s a release, and a release is a good thing.  It helps you clear things out of your basement.  It helps you fix that hole.  Attack each day with a fury. Get after your goals.  Make it happen.

Today’s lyric comes from “Whole” by Pedro the Lion off of their 1997 debut “The Whole EP”.  Check it out.  IT’s good stuff.  I promise you. Until another time…