Day 28. The end of the month. Wow! February went by really really fast as it usually does because it’s not very long to begin with. At any rate, in the month of February I gave up Facebook and alcohol. One of these things will be re-introduced into my daily life very soon. It could be as early as tomorrow, it really depends on the Blackhawks. The alcohol…I don’t know if I will ever be able to revisit it. Unless I can somehow find a way to give myself a filter or a valve or an off button, if I can learn that then maybe, just maybe I will be able to have a beer somewhere down the road.
Right now it’s just not conducive to the life I want to live. I want my family to be a whole and working unit and when I’m on the sauce, that is just not plausible. Sometimes people have to learn things the hard way, even after they’ve been told of the consequences. When you live your life day to day and have a routine that you fall into, that’s what your life is. You wake up, hang out with the kid, change the diaper, grab some milk, eat breakfast, get yourself ready for work, have the day’s first smoke, drive to work, do your job, come home, cook dinner, eat with the family, go to bed, get up and do it all over again. That is the “norm” in most cases. You leave your nice home, with your nice family, go to your not so nice job, and all the while you’re taking these things for granted. When you never know at the drop of a hat, it can all be taken away. Maybe because of something you have done, or maybe because of an act of nature, whatever it is, it can be taken away.
When you cloud your judgement with booze and don’t treat people the way they should be treated because you take them for granted everyday, somewhere down the line communication breaks down. When that happens you have some serious problems. People going elsewhere for conversation, or spending more time texting other people on their phone, or being on facebook than they are investing in their actual relationship and actually trying to solve whatever problems are laid out in front of them. You ultimately get to a point where one or the other person, or both people quit trying. The wheels completely come off and you’re left wondering is this even worth salvaging? Some people just throw their hands up and walk away. They simply say no.
I can’t applaud that. I can’t get behind that. I am and have always been a fan of fixing problems. I don’t care to what extent you have to go, whether you find a mediator, or a therapist or what have you. I don’t like confrontation, I don’t like having anything negative on my conscience. But when you try relentlessly to fix something, such as yourself, you have to get into feelings you don’t necessarily want to touch on.
You struggle every single day. I feel like garbage, well maybe a beer will help. That’s always a go to. Man, I had a rough day at work, I need to blow off some steam. Does it help? It seems to, but it doesn’t. In the long run you only end up hurting the people you care about the most, and ultimately you hurt yourself because you have a huge void in your life. The void comes from you taking everything you have for granted and since because of your actions you’ve not only slapped your family across the face, repeatedly, you end up beating yourself up over it because you didn’t realize the error of your ways until it landed you in a place called rock bottom.
So whatever you do, if you feel you have a problem, talk to someone. Always talk to someone about something. Do not let communication break down in any relationship you have. Whether it’s girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife, best friend, good friend, even your dog, always talk, always communicate. Without communication, what’s the point?
I never thought I would use this blog to vent my own feelings or whatever, but it’s become quite an outlet lately. I have apparently become more open than I ever thought possible. Speaking in general comes easy to me as far as talking to strangers or friends or what have you, but it’s all trivial, on the surface bull crap. It’s not talking about being a drunk who is having marital problems. Apparently I have felt that this blog is more of an outlet for me and again I appreciate the kind words I have received, from complete strangers, not to mention from good friends as well. I know that once I get all of my ducks in a row, I will become that person that I am striving to become. Thanks for coming along for the ride. Until another time!!!!!