Took the 60 bus out of downtown Campbell, Ben Zenatto he was on there, he was waiting for me…

Wowie wow, wow.  March 6th.  Hard to believe we are already into the 3rd month of the year. 19 days sober.  One day at a time they say.  That’s easier said than done.  As people we often find ourselves planning for things way in advance.  So how can you take it down to one day at a time.  You always have something to do at some time on a Wednesday of next week.  In theory the one day at a time mantra is a good idea.  

So almost 3 weeks sober under my belt.  I feel pretty good about it.  I would be a liar if I didn’t think about cracking open a cold one, I get urges.  Especially when I have a lot of idle time on my hands.  I fight through it though. One day it will be easy. It’s just not easy right now.  As time progresses I’ll get there.  I have confidence in this.  

As far as the smoking cessation goes, it’s going, but not as well as I would like.  It too is a struggle, much like any vice or strong hold we have in our lives.  One day at a time, haha.  It lingers and looms over you.  No goal is unachievable if you have the right mindset.  You’re not going to achieve what you seek out in your first attempt, but with persistence you can get to where you need to be.

The same can be said about changing other things in your life. People are constantly talking about I need to do this, I need to do that.  Everyone’s biggest enemy besides themselves is motivation.  You have to one day be so absolutely sick of what you’re doing, or what’s bothering you to do something about it.  You finally get to the point where it’s like, you know what…I’m done.  I can do this.  I have to move forward.  No more setbacks.  Getting there isn’t easy either.  If you keep your eyes on the prize, the reward at the end is so much sweeter.  So keep that in mind.  You may suffer setbacks while trying to better yourself or accomplish your goals, but don’t let the setbacks deter you.  They’re called setbacks for a reason.  They’re not called “enders”.  Hunker down and power through.  Channel positivity. Make it happen. Carpe Diem and all of that other stuff, haha.

So if you wanna drop 20 pounds, do it.  Nobody is holding you back but yourself.  Think of how high your confidence level will be once you achieve that goal.  You drop two pant sizes, your shirts don’t fit right any longer…it’s all for the greater good.  With that said, get after what you want and take it.  No one gets what they want accomplished by just sitting there.  Take action!!! Until another time….

I don’t wanna be here, I don’t wanna see this now. It’s all wrong but it’s alright…

15 Days Sober.  I don’t know if I should be proud or what. I mean it’s not even a month yet, it’s only half of a month, I will reach the 30 day plateau of St. Patrick’s Day of all days.  A day where if you’re Irish, you get so drunk it’s not even funny.  Also a day where if you’re not Irish, you pretend to be so you get so drunk it’s not even funny.  

Anyhow, it’s weird finding things to do that don’t include alcohol.  At least where I live it is.  You have bar, liquor store, bank, church, repeat.  Actually for every bar and liquor store in town we have like 4 churches. It’s crazy business in La Porte, Indiana.  So Friday night I spent with my daughter, which is always nice and Saturday I spent at home until about 10pm.  Nothing good ever happens after 10pm.  Remember this always!!!!  There are exceptions to the rules.  A buddy of mine who is also not drinking the booze, and myself were really wanting some pizza, so we went and got some pizza at 10pm.  No big deal.  Had a couple of Pepsi Colas with our pizza pie and talked about Duck Dynasty. 

It was a nice little Saturday night.  I would have much rather spent it with the girl of my dreams, but I digress.  So as we move in on 16 days without alcohol, I find it becoming frustrating because it seems as though that is what a lot of my friends do for fun is go to the bar and get drunk.  So I may lose friends over this or become unpopular, but I really don’t care.  The people that have my back through my faults and vices are the people I want there in the end anyway. That’s what you aim for. People to stand by your side through thick and thin. 

When you get married you make these vows.  You’re in front of friends, family, and God basically.  People make mistakes.  That’s probably why these vows you make when you get married are pretty serious.  Til death do you part.  For better or for worse.  For richer and for poorer.  In sickness and in health.  Basically saying that no matter how bad you fuck up as a human being you made these vows and you’re supposed to have one another’s back until you’re dead. Friends do not need to say these vows because you know that when you make a mistake, regardless of what you do, if you’re friends are true and vice versa, you will be there until death.  

As I sit here and talk about this, as I have mentioned throughout the blog, at least recently that I have made mistakes and my marriage is suffering due to the mistakes I made.  To me divorce is NOT an option.  As far as where my wife’s head is at, I have no clue.  That’s why I say these vows are important, no matter how bad it gets, you’re supposed to work it out.  You’re supposed to get all of the unnecessary garbage that’s been piling up in the “basement” out of the “basement”.  That’s they only way things can be fixed.  I know my wife doesn’t even read this blog.  I ask her if she does quite a bit actually, and she says no.  It is what it is.  If she really wants to know what’s going on inside of my head but is afraid to ask or to know what the answer is, everything is here at suckerformerica.wordpress.com, haha.

So there ya have it, regardless of decisions you make, whether you make mistakes or you’re trying to better yourself, or both, you’ll know who is in your corner and you’ll know who you don’t want there when it’s all said and done.  Until another time!!!!

And in the end, the love you take, is equal to the love….you make…

Here we are. The finish line.  I know I said that I wasn’t going to get on Facebook until the Hawks lose, but it seems as though they’re never going to.  So I’m retracting that and at the stroke of midnight I will return to the book of face.  It’s been a long 28 days, not because I was without Facebook, but because a lot of things have happened.  

If you’re curious, just read the blog entries from February.  They should clue you in.  Working on Day 13 of sobriety.  I did  want a drink the other night after the power went out at work.  I work at a hotel, and it’s not very conducive to business practices when you lose power.  People become edgy, and quite pissed and want a refund and all of that.  It’s very, very hostile.  They threaten to leave and go to another hotel.  It’s all really a bunch of bull.  Everyone is trying to get something for free.  It’s human nature.  If you’re not being “properly taken care of”.  Everyone has different expectations.  Of course you get pissed off when the power goes out at home.  Especially if it’s in the middle of a television show you like.  Conveniently the power comes on just as the next show is beginning, thus ruining your night.  A power outage is an act that is out of the control of anyone though.  If people lightened up, they would understand that power will be restored in a timely fashion.  But they don’t.  They think they’re in the middle of a warzone, or Hurricane Katrina, or Superstorm Sandy, or whatever.  FEMA isn’t gonna come help us.  Re-freakin’-lax people.  Give it an hour and things will be up and running again.

Which brings me to a story.  Not necessarily about a power outage, but about an outage of sorts.  It was 1989.  January to be exact.  The biggest spectacle in all of sports is taking place.  You and I know it as the Super Bowl.  It was Joe Montana’s 49ers vs. Boomer Esiason’s Cincinatti Bengals.  Everyone on the planet was picking the 49ers to win.  How could they lose?  Montana, Taylor, Jones, Craig, Rathman, Rice, I could go on and on.  Anyhow the niners were trailing with about 2 minutes to go in the 4th quarter. 16-13.  Golden Joe, Joe Cool, whatever you choose to call him is leading the Niners on an epic game winning drive.  Picking apart the Bengals defense.  Just really showing his mastery and will to win out there.  My mom has this poinsettia on top of the television. She’s milling about the house watering plants and such.  My dad was like, “Hey, don’t water that plant on top of the tv.”  She responds “Oh, I’ve done it a hundred times.  Nothing is gonna happen.” He doesn’t let up, he’s relentless in his attempt to get her to NOT water the poinsettia.  She does it anyway.  At the moment she is watering the plant, Joe Cool is rearing back to throw a potential game winning touchdown…then the freakin’ tv goes out…what the heck!?!?!?!?! Are you kidding me?!?!?!! It’s the freakin’ Super Bowl!!!!!!!  I heard about it the next day at school.  I didn’t actually see it until the following year when they do the recaps of Super Bowl’s past.  John Taylor.  Huh.  I woulda for sure put money on Rice to catch the TD.  

At any rate no matter the outage, people freak out.  Yeah televisions are replaceable, and ours did get replaced, much like when the power is out, it eventually comes back on.  Patience and understanding.  That’s what it all boils down to.  I have been working a lot on that since January.  i think it’s starting to bode well for me.  Welp, that’s all I got.  Until another time!!!! 

Oh wait…I will begin my smoking cessation on March 1st as well.  I’m going to be using the Blu electronic cigarette system.  It has various levels of nicotine in their cartridges you can purchase to gradually stop.  That’s the route I’m going. Don’t judge me.  See ya soon!

And the same black line that was drawn on you, was drawn on me, and now it’s drawn me in…6th Avenue heartache…

Day 28.  The end of the month.  Wow! February went by really really fast as it usually does because it’s not very long to begin with.  At any rate, in the month of February I gave up Facebook and alcohol.  One of these things will be re-introduced into my daily life very soon.  It could be as early as tomorrow, it really depends on the Blackhawks.   The alcohol…I don’t know if I will ever be able to revisit it. Unless I can somehow find a way to give myself a filter or a valve or an off button, if I can learn that then maybe, just maybe I will be able to have a beer somewhere down the road.  

Right now it’s just not conducive to the life I want to live.  I want my family to be a whole and working unit and when I’m on the sauce, that is just not plausible.  Sometimes people have to learn things the hard way, even after they’ve been told of the consequences.  When you live your life day to day and have a routine that you fall into, that’s what your life is.  You wake up, hang out with the kid, change the diaper, grab some milk, eat breakfast, get yourself ready for work, have the day’s first smoke, drive to work, do your job, come home, cook dinner, eat with the family, go to bed, get up and do it all over again.  That is the “norm” in most cases.  You leave your nice home, with your nice family, go to your not so nice job, and all the while you’re taking these things for granted.  When you never know at the drop of a hat, it can all be taken away.  Maybe because of something you have done, or maybe because of an act of nature, whatever it is, it can be taken away.

When you cloud your judgement with booze and don’t treat people the way they should be treated because you take them for granted everyday, somewhere down the line communication breaks down.  When that happens you have some serious problems.  People going elsewhere for conversation, or spending more time texting other people on their phone, or being on facebook than they are investing in their actual relationship and actually trying to solve whatever problems are laid out in front of them.  You ultimately get to a point where one or the other person, or both people quit trying.  The wheels completely come off and you’re left wondering is this even worth salvaging?  Some people just throw their hands up and walk away.  They simply say no.  

I  can’t applaud that.  I can’t get behind that.  I am and have always been a fan of fixing problems.  I don’t care to what extent you have to go, whether you find a mediator, or a therapist or what have you.  I don’t like confrontation, I don’t like having anything negative on my conscience.  But when you try relentlessly to fix something, such as yourself, you have to get into feelings you don’t necessarily want to touch on.

You struggle every single day.  I feel like garbage, well maybe a beer will help.  That’s always a go to.  Man, I had a rough day at work, I need to blow off some steam.  Does it help?  It seems to, but it doesn’t.  In the long run you only end up hurting the people you care about the most, and ultimately you hurt yourself because you have a huge void in your life. The void comes from you taking everything you have for granted and since because of your actions you’ve not only slapped your family across the face, repeatedly, you end up beating yourself up over it because you didn’t realize the error of your ways until it landed you in a place called rock bottom.  

So whatever you do, if you feel you have a problem, talk to someone.  Always talk to someone about something.  Do not let communication break down in any relationship you have.  Whether it’s girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife, best friend, good friend, even your dog, always talk, always communicate.  Without communication, what’s the point?  

I never thought I would use this blog to vent my own feelings or whatever, but it’s become quite an outlet lately.  I have apparently become more open than I ever thought possible.  Speaking in general comes easy to me as far as talking to strangers or friends or what have you, but it’s all trivial, on the surface bull crap.  It’s not talking about being a drunk who is having marital problems.  Apparently I have felt that this blog is more of an outlet for me and again I appreciate the kind words I have received, from complete strangers, not to mention from good friends as well.  I know that once I get all of my ducks in a row, I will become that person that I am striving to become.  Thanks for coming along for the ride.  Until another time!!!!!

All talk of circadian rhythm, I’ve seen the day with the newsprint fray, my night is colored headache gray, daysleeper….

Day 27.  It’s an early blog post.  I am so grateful for the 70 views I had yesterday.  That is an all time high for me!!!!  The blog has been picking up steam and I am gaining new followers everyday!  I hope that with the positive changes I will and have been making so far this year will continue to inspire and gain traction with more and more people.  No man is an island, and if we all come together and support one another it makes it easier to achieve the goals we set out to achieve.  

My good friend Ben, you can follow his blog here www.willpowerthru.com, has been building a better him since January of 2012.  While he admits his faults, he is not only one funny dude, but very inspirational.  He has had much success in the past year with building a better Ben.  I never would have gotten into blogging or have had any desire to change things about myself until I saw the positive changes he was making in his life.  I know it was ultimately my decision, but when you see one of your peers and have their support, it really makes it easier to follow through.  it’s like working out.  It’s easier to work out with someone else as opposed to taking on a regimen of your own.  If you are super driven you can succeed on your own, but the motivation and push factor is that much more higher when you have someone in your corner pulling for you.  

With the sobriety thing, as I had mentioned I cancelled a gig for this Friday basically because I’m scared of falling off the wagon.  I know deep down I could do it, but I don’t want to take that chance.  Ben had told me that it was a smart decision to not play the gig, especially if I wasn’t ready to put myself in the situation.  That right there is huge, to have a buddy whom you have shared libations with on occasion have your back in what you feel you need to do and not deter you from what you’re trying to do.  He then texted me and told me he had told a mutual friend to “cancel the event” on Facebook because I wasn’t playing the gig.  Then I got a text from the mutual friend asking me if I was cancelling the gig, and I said yes.  He asked why, and I didn’t elaborate, I blamed work and other things.  The other things were sobriety.  Work has nothing to do with it.  I’m just not comfortable putting myself in a room full of my friends whom will be drinking.  

The difference between gigs at Dick’s Bar in my hometown and gigs at Frankie’s in Union Pier, Michigan are simple.  I don’t have any friends in Union Pier.  I have acquaintances there, and they don’t pressure me to drink.  They ask if I want a shot, I say no, they leave it at that.  Dick’s Bar is 90% people I know, they ask if I want a shot, I say no, it turns into an ordeal about how I’m a wuss, or this or that.  I don’t want confrontation, I just wanna play music.  So anyhow, avoidance for right now is key.  I have 11 days sober under my belt.  I intend on keeping that up.  

The Facebook hiatus is nearing its end, pending what the Hawks do tomorrow night.  Lately I have been a bit antsy about getting on Facebook probably because I haven’t been on in 4 weeks, and I do miss somethings about it.  It’s been a good lesson for me though. I know that I do in fact have will power because I haven’t been on FB in 27 days, and I haven’t had a drop of booze in 11 days.  

This morning I am going to start exercising, alone, which I mentioned before is not the best way to go about it, but it is what it is.  I have to start somewhere and sometime.  Saturday I will begin my smoking cessation.  So I am keeping myself busy by quitting things and improving my life as a whole.  I’m still working on the patience factor and some anger problems I have had as well.  I have pretty much a full boat of things on my plate, and I’m good with that.  I have been working steady although I work messed up hours, a couple of midnight shifts here and couple of afternoon shifts there so my circadian rhythm is allllll messed up.  Essentially I am a day sleeper.  At any rate, thanks again for the support from the fellow bloggers and any one else who reads this pile of crap from Facebook!  I appreciate it.  Until another time!!!!!

I’m dumb, she’s a lesbian. I thought I had found the one…

Day 26. So we’re nearing the bitter end of the Facebook hiatus, and a Blackhawks regulation loss is NOWHERE in sight.  At any rate, I have been sober for 10 days.  That’s a good thing.  A majority of yesterday I spent hanging out with my daughter.  She alone makes me want to be a better person. So precocious and full of wonderment.  I really dig being a dad.  

We watched some Shrek, a little bit of Team Umizoomi, which for those of you who are unaware is a neat little show that teaches the pre-school aged kids about patterns, shapes, and numbers. At any rate it was nice to spend some time with the Moo.  I did start feeling pretty crappy though around 3:30 yesterday.  I had this terrible pain in my stomach.  No idea where it came from.  It was horrendous though!   I slept from 7pm last night until 12:45pm this afternoon!   I do feel much, much better.  

So I’m still riding the sobriety train, which is good. I don’t really think about the booze that much and I never really did while I was drinking it.  I cancelled my gig for Friday night because, well it’s the safest thing for me to do. Yeah the money would be nice, but not waking up with a brutal hangover and the thought of possibly regretting something I said or did will make for a clear conscience.  That’s what ya aim for anyway.  So until another time!!!!!

Turn and face the strange ch-ch-changes, look out you rock and rollers…

So here’s a recap of my weekend.  Friday night I played a gig up in Union Pier, Michigan.  I didn’t sleep from the time I got off work at 7 am until I got home from my gig at around 10pm.  It was an early start for me as far as the gig goes.  6pm.  7pm Michigan time.  Anyway you slice it, still early.  I’m used to playing at about 9pm-1am or so.  Anyhow, I drank nothing but water.  A friend of mine came out to the show and asked if I wanted a beer or anything, I simply said I quit drinking.  He was all like “I’ve heard you say that before”.  I explained that normally when I said I was never drinking again it was because I had overdone it the night before and had a monster hangover.  This time it wasn’t because of a hangover, as you are pretty much aware from this blog.  So Friday night, big success in the gig without booze department.  

I have a gig upcoming this Friday, which would be March 1st.  I think I am going to cancel it. I wasn’t going to, but after talking with my wife, whom I might add is super wise beyond her years, what she said sort of resonated with me.  I told her I was nervous about the upcoming gig on the 1st and she said, maybe you should cancel it.  I said, maybe, but it’s money.  Then she laid this whopper on me…”What’s more important? Money or sobriety?”  I kind of argued the fact that money is very useful, and every extra bit you can get certainly helps out.  I said “We’ll see” as far as cancelling the gig goes.  After the conversation I couldn’t get that out of my head.  Almost as if it were a test.  Drinking got me into the marital situation I am currently in, which isn’t a good one.  Not that I am or was anticipating drinking at all during this performance, the fact of that matter is, she is right.  Sobriety is more important than making a few extra dollars on the side.  Especially since my future really depends on me being sober.  

So with that said, I have no reservations about me cancelling this upcoming gig because it will take me out of a situation that I am sure I could buckle in, but wouldn’t.  So why leave it to chance?  Here is how I would envision that night taking place, people wouldn’t take me seriously as far as giving up the booze, and I would more likely than not have a bunch of friends down there trying to feed me whatever alcohol they could.  I would continue to turn it down, but it’s the principle.  They would try to get me to buckle.  it’s not worth putting myself in the situation this early in my sober attempt.  So that’s how my Friday night went, and it lead me to think about the upcoming Friday.  

So on to Saturday!  After a lovely Saturday morning and afternoon spent with my daughter, the wife got home from work and we all spent a little bit of time together as a family.  I had made plans with a friend of mine who is currently going through a lifestyle change in the sober department to grab some dinner and see a movie.  We didn’t get to the movie, but we did have ourselves a nice meal complete with huge steaks.  We did both comment on the fact that it was weird ordering soft drinks with our meals as opposed to the usual beer that would accompany them.  At any rate, it was a good time, good meal, and another sober night.   He’s been at the sober game a bit longer than I have, and he said just wait, it may seem easy right now, but wait until you get bored and your mind starts to wander.  That will be the true test as to how you handle it.  I feel bad for him because people know he’s going through something, but yet they keep texting or calling him asking him to come out to the bar.  Almost as if they don’t get it.  I’m behind him 110%, and was even before I decided to turn over a new leaf in my life.  To each their own though.  People are going to do what they always do and not think about how things effect other people.  Just because it would be a better time at the bar with so and so there, doesn’t mean you have to constantly badger the person and try to pressure them to come out.  

It is what it is though.  You’re always going to have that one person no matter what who thinks they can and will persuade you to throw your mindset out of the window.  That’s when the almighty willpower needs to kick in.  If you don’t particularly have strong willpower, then you learn how to condition it.  I realize in the summertime, I was attempting to quit smoking, and along with that I thought I won’t drink for an entire month because I know that’s a huge smoking trigger.  I did pretty well for the first 10 or 11 days with it, then it all went to crap and I realized I liked drinking too much and I also still liked to smoke.  I still like alcohol, it just doesn’t like me, but I’m starting to become not so fond of cigarettes and cigarette smoke.  I was at work the other day and my winter coat smelled horribly like stale cigarettes.   So when I go somewhere and you see in public, and I’m wearing my coat, you’re seeing me, but smelling an ashtray that has been emptied out but not really thoroughly cleaned.  The smell gets to me sometimes.  So I am excited about March 1st since I will be once again trying to quit smoking.  Hopefully with the results that I want this time around.  The last two times I gave it a little bit, but wasn’t wholly invested in it.  I figure let’s go all in.  No booze, no smokes, building a better me is my 2013 motto, let’s do it inside and out!!!  Once the weather breaks I’ll become more active and lose this 10 pounds I put on during the holiday season, which really isn’t too bad considering I once weighed 280 pounds and weigh 217 currently, which means I was down to 207, so yeah…good stuff.  That’s for another time!!!  Thanks for dropping by!!!!

What’s the deal with my brain? Why am I so obviously insane? In a perfect situation, I let love down the drain…

So here we are techinically now day 22, only 6 more to go, unless of course the Mighty Blackhawks decide to keep winning, or not losing in regulation.  Day 21 was good.  I slept for a lot of it, which was a good thing.  I have been averaging about an hour to two hours of sleep a day.  So it was a welcome break from what has become the norm.  I did take Benadryl in order to achieve my unusually long slumber, but I felt and feel great!   

So basically we’re just going through the motions here of the Facebook hiatus.  It’s become a formality that I will be successful.  There isn’t anything that could happen between February 22nd and March 1st aside from the Hawks winning/not losing in regulation, that will make me use Facebook before hand.  So we’ll just shift gears from the Facebook hiatus in future blogs.  I will still count the day, but I won’t mention said Facebook hiatus.  

So I have been sober for 6 days now, and I am kind of worried about my gig tonight. I know I can play without libations/spirits.  I have done it before.  It just puts me at a comfortable level.  If I had a switch that said “Ryan, you’ve had enough” or “Ryan, slow it down.  Pace yourself”  I wouldn’t have a drinking problem.  I have no shut off valve when it comes to a certain point.  I would be willing to bet that I should have been cut off many a time in my life and just never have been because of maybe being a regular patron at an establishment or whatever.  I don’t know why.  What I do know is if I could drink in moderation, this all would be a non-issue.  So anyhow, I have a gig tonight in Michigan, which I love playing at Frankie’s.  I say this all of the time, it is just a good atmosphere and good people.  So I’m not totally nervous about the alcohol factor because I won’t have friends there that will be like, hey man let’s do a shot, and all of that jazz.  

I am totally worried about next Friday’s gig though.  It’s at a bar that I’m a regular patron, a lot of my friends go there, and peer pressure will be at an all time high.  So that will be the real test.  The thing is I could just cancel these gigs and not even put myself in these situations.  The bottom line is, I don’t have to drink if I don’t want to.  And at this point in my life, I don’t want to.  Not while I am trying to figure out personal issues.  I’m not trying to say I don’t have a problem, I do.  I’m not backpeddling here.  What I am saying is my problem isn’t necessarily me being an alcoholic, it’s me being a binge drinker.  I don’t drink socially.  Never have. I drink for the sole purpose of getting soooo intoxicated i do not want to feel anything bothering me.  Some people gamble, some people shoot heroin, some people drink every single day from the time they get up until the time they pass out.  Me, I can maintain sobriety for 6 months, then one day get it in my head that I’m gonna get so unbelievably intoxicated to where I’m going to slobber all over myself and everyone around me.  Or I’m gonna get so smashed that I’m going to get into a fight with a guy because he had the wrong tone while talking to someone.  

So there-in lies the problem.  I binge drink, with no valve to say stop, then I become a behavioral problem in public.  I’m sure I probably should have been arrested countless times for what I do as an intoxicated individual.  For what ever reason, I haven’t.  Luck? The Man Upstairs looking out for me? I have no clue.  But now is the time for me to turn the corner.  I have gotten a couple of messages on here about my upcoming journey with sobriety and a few texts as well.  I so appreciate the support.  Many people don’t believe in AA, I’m not a big believer, but it’s nice to know that there are people out there who have had similar problems, and unlike myself have actually lost everything due to their problem.  

I’m glad that I haven’t fallen into that category, at all.  I mean I am going through a rough patch in my life right now, and yeah I’m struggling everyday, but if I keep drinking, I’m gonna end up like some of those people who had a chance to quit, but made another bad choice and have to live with regret for the rest of their lives.  I don’t want to be that guy.  I want to be able to enjoy my family and friends and not have to rely on getting smashed to have a good time.  Maybe I’ll get to the point where I can have 2 or 3 beers and call it day.  We’ll see, but right now I’m not so sure.  Until another time!!!!!

When the night is cold, and you’re feeling old, and the morning cuts you like a knife…when you’re wearing thin, feel you’re giving in, in the darkest hour you’ll find daylight…

Day 20.  So it begins, almost down to one calendar week until the self-imposed Facebook ban is lifted.  I had a relatively busy night at work, but still managed to follow the IU/MSU game.  WOW!!!!! Talk about some good old fashioned tournament style basketball!!! If that game was any indication, the Big 10 tournament and March Madness are gonna be off the rails crazy!!!!!  My beloved Blackhawks tied NHL history tonight by becoming the 2nd team ever to play their 1st 16 games of the season and registering a point.  For those of you who don’t follow hockey, their point system breaks down like this you get 2 pts in the standings for a win.  0 pts in the standings for a loss, but you get 1 pt if you lose in overtime/shootout.  The Mighty Hawks are 13-0-3…this means in the shortened season they’re playing (which is only 48 games) they’re 1/3 of the way through and they’re on pace to be 39-0-9, which would be a lock for the President’s Trophy and obviously the #1 seed in the Western Conference.  Anyhow, it is highly unlikely that they will go unscathed without a loss in regulation for the remaining 32 games.  

With that said, I am willing to take my Facebook sabbatical to an even longer hiatus.  If in the next 8 days the Blackhawks DO NOT lose a game in regulation, which will be 5 games, the fifth being played on March 1st, I will not use Facebook until they lose a game in regulation play.  If they happen to drop one to the Blues, which if they do happen to lose their first regulation game, I would guess that is to whom it will be, I will resume Facebook activity effective at midnight on Friday March 1st.  If they do not lose, I will not use Facebook until the Chicago Blackhawks lose their first game in regulation.  

“Why would you torture yourself like that?”, you ask.  Well I love, love, love, love posting about the Blackhawks.  It is by far one of my favorite things to do on Facebook.  I love it so much in fact during the FB hiatus, I posted about them on Twitter which is shared to my Facebook, so people knew I was still watching the Hawks.  I love ’em. I really miss what my Hawk fan friends are posting, and I know they’re just as excited about this team as I am.  I just can’t relish in that fact with them.  So yes, it is sort of self-punishment.  Anyhow, my beloved Bulls won tonight also, so with IU, the Mighty Hawks, and Los Bulls, I had myself a lovely sports trifecta!!!!  

Now that that is all said and done, the sober living is going pretty well.  The one thing that bums me out is before I decided to quit drinking I was pretty excited about having tonight (Wednesday) off because it’s karaoke night!  I love to sing, and I love to make fun of those who aren’t very good at it.  I am sad because it is in a bar, there is alcohol in the bar, I can’t drink alcohol.  I could go and drink water and still have a pretty good time, and maybe even be a decent human being and be able to give someone a sober ride home.  I just feel it’s too soon into this chapter of my life to blatantly go into a bar without the purpose or intent of making money.

I say that because on Friday I do have a gig.  The gig is in a restaurant/bar.  I play in the bar area.  Yes there will be libations available, but the purpose isn’t to “go out” or what have you.  The purpose is to make people smile and have a good time, and make some money at the same time.  Typically I do like to drink when I play, it loosens me up right off the bat, as opposed to having to play two or three numbers in order to not be nervous.  

So instead of intentionally throwing myself to the wolves and going out to the bar, where I would usually drink to get drunk, and not feel anything, I am going to refrain and abstain from that right off the bat.  At some point I believe I will be able to enter that type of establishment and not want to have a drink.  That’s not any time soon, that’s a fact, jack!

Plus there is an AA meeting tomorrow night at 7 and I would feel rather foolish leaving said meeting and going to a bar.  That would make me sort of a hypocrite, wouldn’t it?  I think it would.  Some people can go out and drink in moderation, you know have a beer or two.  I am one of those people who cannot.  Once I get going, there is no “off” button.  Depending on the company I am keeping when I am drinking, that is a potential recipe for disaster.  Not what we’re looking for here.  Positive changes!!!  Looking toward a bright and clear and happy future.  Not a dark, murky or sad one.  With that said, I already feel a little bit better about myself because I made that step to say, “Hey jack, something isn’t quite right! You’re not as fine as you thought you were!”  I told a friend of mine a couple of weeks ago that “happy” is a mask I wear.  

Most of you who know me in person, know I’m a fun-loving guy.  I love to have a good time, I love to laugh, I love to make people laugh.  I am by no means a wallflower.  When in the company of a Sir Ben Konowitz, I’m a hell of a second banana.  I know there are ways to have a good time without the booze, but it’s been so long, I need to re-figure them out.  

Over the course of last spring and summer, I played a ridiculous amount of basketball.  It was always fun.  I used to write about it in the blog.  I just up and quit doing that.  Why? I have no idea.  Good exercise, I got to hang out with my friends.  Our wives didn’t care because we were doing something constructive.  Yeah we’re a bunch of mid-twenty to mid-thirty-somethings, but we all got together and played 5 hours of basketball a week.  Whether it was for a release, or to get into shape, or to keep in shape.  It was down right fun, and we had a lot of laughs.  No alcohol was needed whatsoever.  

I need that continuity in my life.  I need some structure.  When things aren’t structured that’s when it all goes south.  When it all goes south, you might as well forget it.  Well since this year started it’s been one blow after another, and I’m tired of living like I can’t do something about it.  Like the only option I have is to drink whatever is ailing me all away.  That is not an option. That is self-destructive behavior.  The life I want to live has no place for that. 

I am taking back control of my life and I’m going to make it a good one. I’m not getting any younger, and as we all know there are no “do-overs” in life.  You get one.  Make it count, but don’t go shouting “YOLO” cuz that shit is just stupid.  

So far what I have begun to accomplish in 2013 is:
Learning how to be more patient
Learning how to be more empathetic to others in their situations
Learning how to find self control and not be over indulgent

What I need to focus on more in 2013:
All of those things, and then some.  I know there is no perfect person.  I know there really is no exact model to create a near perfect person.  What I do know is that I need to make more of an effort to be the best me I can be. I really need to get back into playing basketball twice a week, eating well, quit smoking, be a better husband, be the best father in the history of mankind, and most of all put my family’s needs and desires before my own.  When I get to that last one, then I think I’ll be ok.  Not quite fine, not quite good, but ok.  

So as things progress, the more open I will be on here.  I know some people that I don’t even know have started following the blog.  That is awesome.  Whether they’re following because they think I’m a messed up individual and it makes them feel better about themselves, or if they find what I write genuinely interesting, it doesn’t matter to me.  Everyone needs an outlet.  Some people choose humor as a means of release and they can pull it off.  I can’t write funny, never could.  Never wanted to.  I always thought that if I’m going to take the time and put pen to paper or fingertips to keyboard it’s going to be as honest as I can make it.  Some people can’t do that either.  To each their own.  We’re all in this together.  It’s life, we all live it, granted in different ways, but we’re all on a journey together and I think any support we can give to one another makes us all better people, so if you also are working on building a better you in 2013, a tip of the hat to you, my friend.  Through each other’s inspiration and support, we can beat whatever demon has us pinned down in our lives.  “No man is a failure, who has friends”  and I’m blessed to have many.  Until tomorrow!!!!!

You’re just a hand me down, it’s better when you’re not around…

Day 19.  As I have mentioned before I am kicking Facebook’s ass and taking names.  I was sent a text by a good friend of mine telling me he mentioned me in status talking about Michael Jordan’s birth and the passing of the great Dr. Jerry Buss.  Both of which are things I would have mentioned had I been on Facebook.  He said he used “Happy Trails, Dr. Jerry Buss”  which is typical of me when wishing others whom I don’t know but respect and admire when they either retire from their sport, or go on to the “other side”.  So I am looking forward to that in 9 days when I hop back on the ole Facebook.

As for the other adventure in my life, Al-Anon, it is scary because I don’t know the people.  But they all shared their experiences with how alcohol has effected their lives.  I am sure as I continue going, I will be more apt to open up to the things that trouble me while I am drinking or the actions I have while I am under the influence.  

They meet Mondays and Wednesdays at 7 here in La Porte.  If I am off I will be able to attend the meetings.  I had a conversation with someone the other day about seeking help and I said you know it’s hard to admit to yourself that you are not “fine”.  You tell people in passing that you’re good, or you’re fine or you’re great or whatever.  Are you really?  To me that is the scariest part of it all. I know that as I continue on this new found sober path I am going to be taking I will be able to make sense of a lot of things.  I really need to find a good way to channel any anger I have.  That’s probably one of my biggest downfalls when I am drinking is letting loose on whomever I think is giving me the wrong tone.  

You hear from people all of the time to not self-medicate when you’re going through personal, emotional things, but really that’s the coping mechanism of it all.  I don’t want to feel what I need to be feeling, I want to mask it.  Therefore I climb into a bottle and boom, problems be gone, or problems be worse.  A little bit of both I suppose.  

I have a bigger picture to look at with a wife and kid who don’t deserve a drunken fool for a husband or a father.  The alcohol already started to effect my marriage, I don’t need it to effect my parenting.  I believe that the damage I have done under the influence to my marriage is fixable, but I know it’s going to take a long, long, long time of me proving myself to my wife that I can, and will be the man she married.  As for my daughter, I can’t have her growing up and hating me because of things I did when she was young.  

I’m a human being, and I have made and will continue to make mistakes, but in order to do right by others, I need to fix me.  So if you’re a friend of mine, and we hang out, please don’t be offended if I ask to hang out where there isn’t an abundance of alcohol.  If you want to meet for dinner, that’s fine.   A restaurant’s purpose is food, not booze.  You can even drink around me, just don’t ask me to taste it or what have you.  I know it’s going to be a struggle, but it’s my struggle.  In the end this will make me a far better person than I have been and I look forward to meeting the guy I’m supposed to be!  Until tomorrow!!!!!